 The Emotional StandardThe third standard is decorated with the richest colors of all. The
lioness emblazoned across this standard frequently changes position. Sometimes sitting
tranquilly, sometimes crouched and ready to pounce, sometimes leaping through the air with
sharp claws and fangs reaching out to attack its prey, sometimes carrying a nutritious
young gazelle to feed its young.
As the lioness’
position changes, so do the colors of the banner. From bright, hot reds, to saturated,
verdant greens, to dismally dark blues, to stunning whites and yellows that sparkle
happily in the sunlight.
Even the lightest of breezes can
make the banner dance and flit lightly or float weightlessly above the Big Top. High winds
sometimes stretch it tight, whipping it violently. Other times the storm can pull it as
smooth as a sheet of polished steel.
The Emotional Standard stands for
more than simply "feeling good." It represents healthy investment in life,
alertness to all its beauty and opportunities, generosity, passion, curiosity, growth,
joy, love and an open heart.
Perhaps "feeling good"
is enough for you. Perhaps, at first, that’s a lofty enough goal. Fine. Do what you
want. Do what you can. Balance can certainly help you reach that goal. But learn from the
following pages all that is available to the well-balanced life and never give up hope
that such rich rewards may someday belong to you.
Your emotions are more complex,
more powerful, and more satisfying than anything your physical body or your mind can ever
attain. For most healthy and balanced individuals, emotions are what life is all about.
Your body and mind help create and apply interest and satisfaction, but without emotions,
whatever they have to offer goes flat. Even the Spiritual Standard interacts and
communicates mostly through your emotions.
Even two year olds are highly
aware of their emotions, but right now might be the first time you discover not only the
possibilities they hold but the many methods available to you to choose and control those
feelings.
Because emotions can run so deep,
they are not always readily understood by the mind. I encourage you to pull out some
sheets of scratch paper or buy a journal or turn on your computer. Then write. Then write
more. Then keep on writing. Explore your feelings, desires, fears and reactions as if you
were brainstorming for a college psychology self-portrait essay. If you get sick of it,
put it (or throw it) away for a while. But come back to it later. Self discovery can be
exciting and very helpful as you make your bid for emotional balance.
Emotional balance is a result of
two types of influences: internal and external. We’ll tackle the most obvious first,
the external. The outward things. The outfield.
Looking
Out(ward) for Emotional Balance |
Each individual is
different and the first thing you need to understand is what supports you
emotionally. The following questions will guide you to identify as many such supports as
possible, some of which you may have never before considered.
| 1 |
Make a list
(yes, on paper or a computer, a real list) of all the things you enjoy doing. From sports
to spending time with friends to crafts to hobbies to events to power to
knowledge…everything. Hot baths, quiet meals, movies, kissing…. Think back
through weekdays and weekends and vacations and different periods of your life. List at
least 25 things. Go for 100 if you can. |
| 2 |
Now list all the ways you like to feel. Things like happy, healthy, confident,
peaceful, hopeful, joyful, loved, loving, intelligent, appreciated, helpful, proud,
attractive, popular, wealthy, lucky, productive…everything. |
| 3 |
Next, list
things that make you feel good after doing them, but not necessarily during. Things
like house and yard work, exercise, being honest, expressing feelings, learning to dance,
sleeping, meditating, brushing your teeth, etc. |
| 4 |
Finally, make a list of things you think you might like to do but haven’t
yet tried. Learn a language, skydive, get in shape, make new friends. List both things
that are very possible, like washing your car, and things that may never happen for you,
like golfing on the moon. If you rarely think about such things, recording this list alone
could change your life. |
Once you have your
lists completed, go quickly back through and circle your favorite list items. Whatever
things you get most excited about.
Did you circle things you frequently find in your
life or things you rarely get around to?
Because your social life has such an enormous
impact on your Emotional Standard, it deserves a pair of lists of its own.
| 5 |
Write down the kinds of people you would like to be surrounded by on a regular
basis. Write down names of real people or describe ones you’d like to meet. Explain
their traits and values and what would make them worthwhile and enjoyable peers. |
| 6 |
Write down the
specific types of interaction you would enjoy with the people in list number five. Would
you work together? Play together? What role would you play? What would you talk about?
Would it be fun or serious or intense or passionate or productive or all of the above or
what? |
Can you see
what’s happening to you? Little by little, as you write down or review your lists,
the pathways to your desires are growing. The discomfort and fear caused by the unknown
and uncomfortable fades away and never returns. Your potential grows clearer and closer,
ever easier to grasp.
True, the discomfort of ignorance
may be replaced by the discomfort of desire. Your fear may grow more acute simply because
you see that something is possible. It’s harder to hide now behind excuses like
"Oh, I could never do that." It’s harder to pretend you don’t care or
don’t know what to do about reaching your goals or don’t want to do them.
But don’t worry. You never
have to do anything you don’t want to. See? Self discovery is perfectly safe! On the
other hand, we don’t promise that you will always choose to remain in your safe
little world and not reach out toward growth, improvement and fulfillment. But even the
prospect of taking risks has a bright side:
Continue thinking (and writing and
discussing and processing) things through and eventually the discomfort of not
doing what you want will overcome the discomfort of doing it and then you’ll find
yourself living your dreams, stretching and growing. Once you’ve worked through the
discomfort of change, you’ll be left alone with the joy and satisfaction of…of
whatever it was you wanted to do or be or have all along. In the end, you’ll eagerly
confess that all the discomfort was worth it and given the opportunity, you’d do it
all over again.
If you want to change your life
and create more opportunities for the items in your list, here are the steps, starting
with the easiest.
Ya Gotta Wanna
One of the greatest keys to living
a successful life is knowing that you get what you want. It’s true!
"I want a million
dollars," you say. "And a wonderful relationship." But you don’t have
it. "What happened to getting what I want?!" you ask. "How do you explain
my empty checking account and my less-than-ideal love life?"
Simple. There are only four
possible explanations for unrealized dreams.
| 1 |
You don’t really want it. I mean you don’t really want it.
Desire is a powerful force, but unless you put some energy into it, it won’t get
rolling forward, opening doors for you, smashing down all barriers to your dreams.If you end up with less
than what you thought you wanted, chances are that, considering the costs involved,
you got exactly what you really wanted. Exactly what you were willing to pay for.
Sorry. No one gets to choose
luxury and ease without effort and the discomfort and suffering that growth requires
(which is better than the discomfort and suffering that lack of growth delivers!). |
| 2 |
Some things
take time. Don’t give up. Keep on trying. This is one test of whether you really want
it or not. If your desire can’t survive a few hardships and maybe even a few years,
then you fail explanation number one. Seemingly random events may set you back. Don’t
give up. Keep on trying. |
| 3 |
You don’t know how to get it. All of life is a process. Learn the specific
process (the steps, the ingredients) that lead to your goal and pour your attention and
efforts into those. These steps are not always obvious. You’ve already begun the process, by the way.
Knowing what you want is the first step. Step two is identifying the processes to get
where you want to go.
Remember that one of the most
important methods for achieving your goals is maintaining a balanced life. Without
balance, especially in the long run, all your efforts turn out less effective than they
could have been. |
| 4 |
You don’t
believe it’s possible, or you think it’s too hard. No matter how much you want
something and even if you know the right steps to get it, failure to have hope can rob you
of the motivation to act on your goals. Adequate hope is required in two areas. First, talk your mind
into it. This is doable with reasoning and thinking it through. Second, convince your
heart to see it not only as a possibility, but as an actual fact. One super way to
accomplish this is to cut out pictures from magazines of the desired object. Stare at
these pictures and enjoy the feelings of imagining you have them long enough to let them
sink in and wash away any doubts or fears you may be unconsciously harboring about them.
[Important: be careful with this
one. Do not get involved in pornography or other lustful desires which fail to lead you
toward healthy ways to achieve healthy dreams. Such materials and activities destroy your
ability to work for your dreams by getting you caught up in instant gratification
and pleasure only, without a realistic concept of the work and effort required for a happy
and healthy lifestyle. It’s an appealing package with appallingly deceptive results.] |
| 5 |
It’s physically impossible. You can’t flap your arms and fly like a
bird. We’re terribly sorry. Choose a new dream. Is it physically impossible to have a
million dollars? No! There are plenty of banks willing to store the money for you. Is it
physically impossible to be happy and peaceful? No! To have healthy, fulfilling
relationships? No! To live a balanced life? Most definitely not. |
"So I
don’t want it bad enough," you admit, and ask "how can I change that?"
Excellent question! Here are a few ideas to help your desire grow. Like any garden, it may
take some effort at first, but with a little attention, the seeds sprout, take root, and
eventually grow almost on their own.
| 1 |
Make it a reality in your head. Create a few affirmations and repeat them to
yourself over and over. "I can flap my arms and fly like a bird…" Wait. Not
that one. "I have time to cook good meals," for example. Put them in the present
tense as if they’re already realities. "I am productive and I keep the bathroom
clean." The more specific, the better.
"I am attractive." It
also helps to look yourself in the eye in the mirror when repeating these mantras. You can
be more convincing that way. When doubts arise, don’t give up. Stand up for your new
beliefs. Defend them vigorously if you want to own them.
Make a plan for how you could make
them realities. You don’t need to commit to any actions at this point. Just make the
list. Let your awareness open doors for you while making it ever easier to step through
those doors.
As part of the plan, consider the
sacrifices you might have to make. Time? Effort? Money? Your fears? Your comfort zone?
Your pride? Then ask yourself if the cost is worth it. If you answer "no", then
leave the door open. Admit that you might change your mind sometime in the future. |
| 2 |
Make it a
reality in your heart. Close your eyes and imagine your dreams coming true. Feel the
excitement, the peace, the joy, satisfaction, or whatever emotions your goals will bring.
Enjoy your daydreaming. Then when you’ve built up your positive emotions enough, get
up and do something about it! Even small things count. You can’t dream your entire
life away. If you try, you’ll discover that daydreams without action can leave you
more depressed and lonely than no dreams at all. |
Are you confused?
Did you take inventory of your life, decide that you already have most of your goals and
get plenty of emotional input, enough that you should be emotionally balanced, yet
you’re still not calm and happy? You may have plenty of friends, for example, and you
spend lots of time together, but still go home feeling empty and unfulfilled.
Like I said before, the Emotional
Standard is a complex one. But never fear, it is not incomprehensible.
First, remember that quality
counts. Consider your social life again. What do you do with your friends? What do you
discuss? Do you find your activities and interests meaningful? Are your friends truly
committed and loyal to one another? If not, can you do something to change that?
If even meaningful projects and
topics leave you empty, are you open enough to really connect with others? Sometimes this
comes naturally. Sometimes it takes a little more effort to listen between the words,
care, learn from and appreciate one another. Forget about yourself for a while and really
strive to understand someone else’s thoughts and feelings. Refrain from judging and
seek to merely understand and appreciate the good. Throw your pride and fears about
acceptance in the trash where they belong.
If the external approaches to
emotional balance don’t answer all your needs, it’s time to take a look at the
internal aspects of the Emotional Standard.
EMOTIONAL
BALANCE APPROACH NUMBER TWO:
The Inner Vessel |
It’s much
easier to blame our feelings on externalities. It’s harder to find fault within
ourselves, to admit to weaknesses, and to face the fact that nothing and no one else can
repair them all for us.
On a more positive note,
there’s no more sure way of earning eternal happiness and success than by fine tuning
our hearts. Sometimes such adjustments involve teaching, sometimes healing.
A few examples will make these
points crystal clear.
example 1
Do you look forward to going to
work or is it only a necessary evil? If you don’t enjoy it, there’s a chance you
should look for a new job that fulfills your personal needs and rewards you better.
There’s also a chance, however, that bringing your life better into balance and
learning better emotional skills would render even the most mundane aspects of your life
more pleasant.
In other words, we often blame
exterior aspects of our lives for our interior condition. We blame a poorly written
television shows for making us bored. We blame an inconsiderate driver or rude coworker
for ruining our day. We blame our boss or our low salary for our stress and misery.
Yet we rarely think to blame
ourselves for not taking better care of ourselves physically, for not filling our spare
time with healthy distractions and service, our minds with interesting ideas and useful
information, or our hearts with love.
When we take responsibility for
ourselves, when we live balanced lives, the lows never dip quite as low. The highs come
more frequently and stay with us longer.
If you want to do more than merely
fill your basic emotional needs, if you want to learn and grow and change and enhance your
deep inner workings, then one more valuable list to create regards your feelings, their
sources and what you do with them.
| 1 |
What emotions are common for you? Elation, happiness,
discouragement, loneliness, despair, frustration, peace, fun, curiosity, etc. Make a list.
Rate each on a 1 to 5 scale, 1 representing infrequent, 3 representing occasional and
using 5 for very common feelings. |
| 2 |
Next, observe what causes each emotion. Are they your
"natural" state or do certain events trigger them? |
| 3 |
Third, watch your reactions to each of these emotions. Are they
healthy? When you feel good, do you put it to use by spending time with friends, spending
time alone, working at goals, projects or hobbies or even just relaxing? Do you have a
variety of ways to utilize and enjoy positive feelings? And when you feel low, what do you do? Do you wait
it out? Do you try to fix it? How? Do you call a friend or open a book? Do you go for a
drink? Does it help?
When we say "help",
we’re not talking about short-term quick fixes. We’re not talking about
something that gets you through the day or night only, though sometimes this may be the
best you can do. We’re more interested in your long-term well being.
If you’re not employing good,
effective, healthy long-term fixes, what alternatives can you think of? New friends? New
activities? Better balance in other standards? Seeking counseling? Don’t rule out any
possibilities until you’ve considered them as options to improving your life. |
Write out these
things until you understand them thoroughly. Scribble them down on pages even if you plan
to burn them afterward. Turn the computer on and start keying, even if you don’t plan
to save the file, even if you never turn the computer on in the first place! Explore.
Increase your awareness. Let your mind, heart and spirit begin to work for you.
As you continue to expand your
understanding of your true potential in the emotional arena, you will experience
excitement. You might feel relief to understand how to gain more of life’s prizes
offered by the Emotional Standard. You might also feel discomfort and fear at such new and
overwhelming and exciting possibilities. Don’t worry about this. Such fears will
subside as you grow more accustomed to the ideas.
Back to the
Four Standards
Back to 1-2-3 Balance! home |
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