(and here's another little one).
THIS JUST IN...
WORLD NEWS:
CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President
Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-
torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in
American history, will provide the region with the critically needed
letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names
more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and
Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the
world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand
up
and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some
vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the
crusade in this noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department,
is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of
Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130
transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's,"
will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop
the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the
vowels. "I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln,
44,
said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is
understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my
poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters,
I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States
will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's
airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other
nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British
"A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and
O's, was asked
to participate, but declined.
"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will
be able to make some terrific new words," Clinton said. "It should
be
very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."
Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades
they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult
pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to
construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam
Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single
word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get
me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern
European countries."
According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be
able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are
ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my children
are dead from
the war" [And "Oh my gosh, there's an axe in my head." ?]
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a
foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like
Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's,
S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast
quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-
toting warlords.