If there's one thing I've learned from
finishing and
starting over and
moving and
making friends and
breaking ties and
living on four continents and
one tropical island,
it is that
there are no such things
as endings.
Index
When I went back to Taiwan for three days to get my stuff, all the little kids on the busses would laugh and shout "Mei guo ren! Mei guo ren!" That means "American," and I could tell they had played with American English teachers. This is something that I missed in Mainland China. Noticed again the differences, the changes that interaction between cultures creates.
How do you justify such changes? beautiful things change and are never the same. McDonalds everywhere. etc.
Some call it progress. Others call it profit. Others only call it fate.
But there must be something more to it. Something to make it feel better deep inside. Something to justify the loss.
Maybe I've found it. It has to do with the inevitability of change. It's like fate, but less passive.
It's not to say that it's not sad to lose beautiful things. We should guard such thing to a point. We shouldn't learn bad traits, etc. We should learn about the world, understand it, then choose how to assimilate the good.
Fight for life itself, because that's what it really is, this world of ours.
With only three days to spend in Taiwan, I wasn't about to let anything keep me from enjoying myself. I had come to the waterfall to say good-bye to our favorite summer hangout. Two typhoons had recently ravaged the island, and had nearly passed, after tearing down trees, derailing trains, and filling the streets with water.
The waterfall was swollen, dumping twice the normal amount of water twenty five feet to the pool below, filled now with frothing, rumbling incantation. I could feel my heart pump adrenaline through my body and limbs as I gazed down into the boiling lagoon, and I jumped. Airborne! Flying, falling, and one deep breath before the waters surrounded me and the scream of falling water became an ominous roar filling my head--a cold storm thicker than a hurricane against my skin.
Bare feet touched the gravel bottom and pushed me upward through the thick darkness like a torpedo, or so I thought, toward the foaming surface. I began to notice that the water level was considerably deeper than usual when I didn't break surface, then in an instant it all became clear as I felt the weight of the waterfall hammering down again on my shoulders and head.
I was amazed at the clarity of my thoughts as my feet touched the bottom for the second time. "Push off, swim hard; if I get sucked down again I can panic." And so I gathered up my legs and shoved off, kicking and stroking with all my strength, fighting the current and the possible fate I had thrown myself into, already feeling the vacuum forming in my lungs, Then the familiar prayer,"If I make it out of this one...."
when leaving Taiwan again, or at least once in Hong Kong again, everything had changed. I wasn't sure I wanted to stay now. Something about the home in Taiwan called.
Security vs adventure. I felt like staying there.
talk about the long day with Peter and Vickie. looking for snow, rap from bridge, jumping into new waterfall, beach at night, watermelon, hopping on back of car.
this is how I would design my life if the choice were mine. good friends who don't back out. you can trust them. you care and share intense life. it overcame, shone through and dissipated the years of people backing out, of not knowing who to trust, of knowing the fun would end and loneliness would set in again. of anticipating it even in the best of times.
perhaps all the more intense emotions because I had finally found myself, and I was about to leave it behind all over again.
st about how that's maybe the best I can ever expect until I know where I'm going. but if I can start over and bring it to that, I'll have to be pleased. that lasts me for a long, long time.
I didn't want to go back to Beijing, which surprised me. homesick. friends. needed stability as well as adventure. in my search to find where I wanted to be, I had found it, but too late. had left my camera in Beijing, etc. commitments. Just too late. I had already started over.
Beginnings are the easy part,
the letting go hasn't really occurred yet
because you don't even know what you've left
until you feel it gone
and the hollow spot inside
aches and tears
until the ripping won't let you sleep.
Beginnings are the easy part
because the new growth that
has already begun to attach itself
to your brain
and the new loves that
have already begun to send roots
into your heart
and the new self that
has already begun to sprout,
shedding your old skin,
is only felt in a dull ache
as you stare at the dark ceiling above your bed.
Beginnings are the easy part
because you are still your old self
and you are not yet your new self,
all clumsy with unaccustomed growth
and strange thoughts
and new tastes
and surprising abilities
and unknown potentials.
Beginnings are the easy part
because it's all out there before you
and you don't even have to choose
because it will come your way regardless,
and if you choose wrong it won't matter
because it will still all come your way.
Beginnings are the easy part
because they're only beginnings.
Endings are the easy part,
the letting go,
whether sweet or bitter
or both, as is most often the case,
comes easily, naturally,
no new questions.
And while it rips and tears
and while the ache inside
keeps you up at night,
you can at least believe,
while you know it's a lie,
that things
are just
the way
they used to be.
Endings are the easy part
because the growth
has long ago attached itself
to your brain
and the loves
have long since grown roots
through your soul
and your new self
has become your old self
and you can answer the questions
that take away your appetite
with answers that others would believe
even when you know better.
Endings are the easy part
because you're more
than you've ever been before
and no one will ever take that away.
Endings are the easy part
because it's all behind you now
and you don't even have to choose
because the choices have all been made
and it's all still coming your way.
Endings are the easy part
because what they really are
are new beginnings.