Divorce and its Effects on Children

Nathan Mayfield

Parents have an extreme challenge facing them in this modern age. Society is constantly putting pressure on the family. Many parents find facing each day as a battle just to remain sane. The married couple loves and nurtures the children. However, sometimes circumstances in life may cause parents to divorce. In the Marriage & Family Encyclopedia divorce is stated to be the most stressful thing that can happen in someone's life. Divorce is compared to a death in the family(Sudol 192). Parents who are considering divorce are especially brave as they must help handle the child's emotions as well as their own.

It is very clear that divorce is rapidly becoming commonplace in our society. Parents and the nation should ask themselves what divorce does to children. There is a ray of hope. People are starting to focus on the effects that divorce has on their children. The effects of divorce on children was not even a concern until the 17th or 18th century(Jost 354). In today's society it is getting serious attention. Parents should be applauded for realizing the seriousness of this issue if they work to limit the negative effects it can have on the children.

Parents should realize that they are incredibly powerful people. They have the responsibility of raising children. They influence youth in ways that effect them for all of their lives. Parents need to take into consideration that divorce has long term effects on children. Difficult as it may be to handle one's own emotions, parents must consider their children's as well. Yet no matter how you put it, divorce is harmful in some way. Sometimes divorcing parents may overlook the effects the divorce has on their children. "I've rarely met an elementary school child who felt that he or she is better off with divorced parents, even if the marriage was abusive. Children have a very different perception of divorce"(Brodkin, 18). Divorcing parents should realize that the dissolution of their marriage has a strong impact on their children. The Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family lists nine common impacts that children may experience who have gone through a divorce. These nine impacts will be covered in this report. These impacts may hinder the children's social advancement when compared to other children who live continuously with both of their biological parents. If parents learn to recognize these symptoms they will help their children cope with the divorce and build a stronger family relationship. Parents will thereby help children avoid bitterness and anger caused by the divorce.

The first, and most obvious, impact given by the Encyclopedia is that parental divorce is a major stressor. Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee have done several studies to find what stressful effects divorce has on children. Their results were published in the book Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce. By studying these results parents can receive insights on how to help their children deal with the stress of divorce. "Children consistently rate parental divorce as one of the most stressful life experiences they encounter." In their book, they state that parents seem to recover emotionally from the divorce in more or less three years. However, the effects on children may continue for decades(Judith Online). In general, child adjustment problems are thought to occur when stressors exceed coping resources"(Kurdek 195). Some children have an extremely difficult time coping with divorce and it may become too much for the child to handle emotionally. Parents can help children by doing activities that enable them deal with the stress of the divorce.

The second impact is "children who experience parental divorce are likely to be exposed to parental conflict"(Kurdek 195). In many cases of divorce, anger and hostility is exchanged between parents right in front of the children. Are the children at fault for picking up on that anger and becoming traumatized? They witness things that they cannot understand. They are confronted with ideas that may be years beyond them. They often ask themselves why their parents just can't stay together. The worst thing parents can do to their children, other than abuse and neglect, is make them choose one parent over the other. "Nothing is more emotionally devastating to children than a prolonged conflict among their parents"(Whitehead, 17). Yet this happens to millions of children every year. Whether the divorce is justified or not, there are negative effects that may plague the couples' children for years. This second impact was also noted in Wallerstein and Blakeslee's research. This display of conflict has to be some of the biggest hypocrisy that a parent could show their children. "The children will be caught in the cross-fire. Blaming one parent for a divorce - - Making one the winner and the other the loser -- may well feed the anger and resentment between former spouses. This will only make parental cooperation harder, and again it is the children who will pay the price"(Whitehead, 17). All of the open hostility involved in the divorce is taught to the children and they will start to have social problems. Many of the children turn out to be social morons. Their parents have not shown them how to work well with others. Not showing open conflict would help the children deal better with the divorce.

The third impact is that "parental divorce involves a degree of loss of the parent who moves out of the house"(Kurdek 195). Wallerstein and Blakeslee state that every three in five children of a divorce has felt rejected by at least one of their parents. The parent that moves out quickly losses some of the parent child bond that was there before. The parent at home was able to talk to the child face to face and that just cannot be matched by telephone. In Wallerstein's study the children also complained bitterly about being forced to disrupt their lives to spend time with the non-custodial parent. "They wanted to see the other parent but felt that all the arrangements were made for their parents' convenience and not theirs"(Judith Online). This just goes to show that relationships are weakened when the parent leaves. Asking children when they would like to see the parent would help dissolve this problem. Most parents that move out would still like to see their children and must work hard to do so. This would help in keeping the non-custodial parents bond with the children strong.

Fourth, "parental divorce results in money problems"(Kurdek 196). Anyone can see that when a wife and husband divorce there is instant trouble with finance. The situation often goes from two people supporting each other to both of them alone trying to start over with past debt. Money or the lack thereof sometimes brings out the worst in people. It certainly doesn't help the childrens living condition. Many children experience a severe and lasting drop in their standard of living after a divorce. There exists a major, lasting discrepancy between the economic conditions of their mothers' and fathers' houses(Jost 361). Fathers may not pay child support and that only increases hostility between the divorced party. Very few children were financially helped with college educations. In some cases, the child was ineligible for scholarships because the unsupporting parent was in a higher income bracket. The mother may have to get a job and spend time away from her children. This may result in some loss of contact with both parents(Kurdek 196). Many believe that this might cause bitterness in the children. The child may live with his mother who is struggling to support her children while the father has more than he needs. The parents should do everything possible to help the children not to feel this kind of resentment.

Fifth, "the divorce may involve the children developing faulty beliefs regarding their role in why the divorce happened"(Kurdek 196). Children tend to feel that they did something that caused the family to split up. This guilt can be carried on for years if the real situation is not explained to them. The children may grow afraid to hurt others and might isolate themselves socially because of this self-imposed guilt trip. This only leads to even more social problems. When parents explain to the children their role in the divorce this should cancel this particular impact.

Sixth, "divorce involves many changes in the settings in which children develop"(Kurdek 196). The child may have to lose all familiar surroundings. Not only does the child lose the familiar family structure in the divorce, but all his or her friends as well. These are the most mentally stressful circumstances you can put a child through. When they move it usually increases the distance between the non-custodal parent and the child, increasing the difficulty of seeing the other parent. The child may also lose many people and surroundings that might help curb the pain of the divorce. These changes may pose problems for children because relatives, friends, teachers, and neighbors that the child used to count on for help will not be there anymore and no one is available to take their places(Wallerstein 13). If the parent must move, moving to a place that has such supports will help the child deal with the divorce.

Seventh, "divorce may effect the quality of parenting"(Kurdek 196). The children no longer have both parents interacting with the children as much as they once did and raising children is not an easy job. Both parents are likely to be dealing with their own adjustment to the divorce, they may have little time and energy to be good parents. This could lead to neglect. The parents may have difficulty meeting the children's nutritional and emotional needs, supervising their children's academic and social activities, or helping their children feel good about themselves and in control of their lives. Let alone providing routine at home and consistent discipline. Children of divorce are more likely to struggle with drugs, alcohol, and sex. The children tended to become sexually active early, particularly the girls. Some children felt that they did not receive the needed parenting influence and family structure that their peers received(Judith Online). The longer the parents take to get over the divorce the longer children will be neglected in some of these areas(Kurdek 196). All parents should pay special attention to these needs.

The eighth impact of "parental divorce is children assume roles and responsibilities that are beyond them"(Kurdek 196). With the lack of the other parent, children may be given tasks that are more appropriate for older children and adults. R. S. Weiss said that "although it is generally good for children to be given responsibility, too much responsibility is not a good thing"(1979). Some parents turn to their children with their problems. The parents confide in some children as personal friends. Some even act as the parents personal psychiatrist. This gives the child an even bigger emotional burden. To have the emotions of their parent flooded on them may influence their feelings toward the other parent. "If children spend most of their free time doing things around the house or taking care of younger brothers and sisters they are not able to learn important social skills that generally come from being with other children of the same age"(Kurdek 196). Not to mention when anyone is swamped down with work they are not happy. This basically results in taking away a child's childhood. The parents force them to grow up at a greater rate than the parents themselves had to grow up at. Parents should not give the children more tasks than they can handle. Whether the tasks be physical or mental.

Lastly, society as a whole does not always help the children out in the instance of a divorce. Many times in a parental divorce there are negative reactions from those in the community. Although the fairly high occurrence of divorce has reduced the negativity from days past, some of it is still there(Kurdek 196). Children still recovering from the effects of divorce are teased and picked on because their parents do not follow the normal nuclear family. "Children feel intense loneliness. Divorce is an acute, painful, long-remebered experience that children must often negotiate with the sense that they are alone in the world"(Wallerstein 1989). Their situation is only worse if they were children regularly teased before the divorce.

All of these impacts may create long term mental and social problems that would hinder the growth of the children. What can parents do to help ease this problem? A wise man once said that the best way to avoid problems, is to not do the things that would cause the problem. In the best possible case, don't do the things that would cause a divorce. Researchers Andrew J. Cherlin and Frank F. Furstenberg Jr. want parents to realize that divorce does have some good effects compared to other circumstances. For example, if the parents of the children had not divorced, the children might have retained equally painful and damaging memories of a conflict-ridden marriage(Jost 361). Parents should realize that divorce alone is not the problem. Divorce just happens to be the public display of the family structure breaking down.

Dr. John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle, has spent 25 years studying marriages. He has followed 670 couples, from newlyweds to retirees, for 14 years. He found that only 20 percent of divorces are caused by an affair(Marano 9). Dr. Gottman said that "most marriages die with a whimper, as people turn away from one another, slowly growing apart"(Marano 9). Parents should realize that getting a divorce is just a quick way out and has many harmful effects on children. In the majority of the cases it does not fix their problems, only causes new ones. If the parents focused the effort and pain it takes to go through a divorce into saving their marriage, they would probably not get divorced. They should learn to manage their conflict. "Mismanaged conflict predicts both marital distress and negative physical and mental health effects on children"(Marano 9). The hardest part of marriage is learning forgiveness. The second the couple starts to not forgive their partner for the daily mistakes he or she makes begins the road of divorce and the effects it cause children. The reason the parents should do these things is for the children. The parents should show their sons and daughters how to forgive and love themselves and others by forgiving each other when they make mistakes. This does not mean play the fool while someone keeps making the same mistake over and over again. It means both parents helping each other to correct the problem so that it will not happen again.

If the parents will value the marriage they once committed themselves too, then the children may have a much easier time growing up. There is no accomplishment that is

worth the failure of the marriage and family. Parents try to do the best they can. Divorce does not mean the end of family. Divorce changes the form of the family. Parents should keep in mind that if the nine impacts of divorce go unresolved it may inhibit the children from creating healthy and enduring families of their own. If parents learn to recognize these symptoms they will help their children to cope with the divorce and build a stronger family relationship. Giving the children a hopeful and happy outlook on life.

Works Cited

Brodkin, Adele. "Helping Students Cope with Divorce." You and Today's Child. Jan. 1997: 18-19.

Jost, Kenneth and Marilyn Robinson. "Children and Divorce." CQ Researcher. 7 June 1991, Vol. 1 Issue 5, p. 361.

"Judith Wallerstein." Online. Divorceinfo. 30 Aug. 1997.

Kurdek, Lawrence A. "Divorce: Effects on Children." Encyclopedia of Marriage and the Family. 1995 ed.

Marano, Hara. "Rescuing Marriages Before They Begin." New York Times. 28 May 1997, sec. C: 9.

Sudol, Peggy. "Divorce: Emotional and Social Aspect." Encyclopedia of Marriage and the Family. 1995 ed.

Wallerstein, Judith S. and Sandra Blakeslee. Second Chances: Men, Women & Children a Decade After Divorce. Ed. Robert Overholtzer. New York: Ticknor & Fields, 1989. p. 13.

Weiss, R. S. "Growing Up a Little Faster: The Experience of Growing Up in a Single Parent Household." Journal of Social Issues. 1979, 35: 97-111.

Whitehead, Barbara. "The Divorce Trap." New York Times. 13 Jan. 1997, sec. A: 17.

Annoted Bibliography

Ahron, Constance. "Current Laws Ease Acrimony, Avoid Drawn-Out Public Battle." Desert News. 23 Mar. 1996, sec A8.

Ahrons gives reasons to why fault-based divorce laws hurt children and families.

Amato, P. R. "The 'child of divorce' as a Person Prototype: Bias in the Recall of Information About Children." Journal of Marriage & the Family. Feb. 1991.

Amato used social psychology to study the "child of divorce" prototype. Has descriptions of children from divorced families.

Brodkin, Adele. "Helping Students Cope with Divorce." You and Today's Child. Jan. 1997: 18-19.

Dr. Adele M. Brodkin discusses the impact of divorce on children with Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein. They note differences of how adults and children see and react to the divorce. Article was designed to help teachers help children who have a hard time dealing with divorce.

Hofen, Bruce C. "Disintegration of the Family Decried." Deseret News. 29 Mar. 1997, sec. Church News: Z7.

Hafen talks on how a little self-control of one's passions will help keep the family unit strong.

Hetrick, Bruce K. "Letting It Fly." New York Times. 22 June 1997, sec. 6: 10.

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Hetrick writes a letter to the New York Times to criticize the actions of a divorced woman and how her actions effect her children.

Jost, Kenneth and Marilyn Robinson. "Children and Divorce." CQ Researcher. 7 June 1991, Vol. 1 Issue 5, pp. 351-367.

Discusses opposing view on whether divorce causes long-term effects on children. Uses Judith Wallerstein's and Sandra Blakeslee's research to support that it does. Also contains views from Andrew J. Cherlin and Frank F. Furstenberg.

"Judith Wallerstein." Online. Divorceinfo. 30 Aug. 1997.

Studies the strength's and limitations of Judith Wallerstein's research.

Kurdek, Lawrence A. "Divorce: Effects on Children." Encyclopedia of Marriage and the Family. 1995 ed.

Sudol discusses the social and emotional aspects of divorce as well as the effects on children. Lists 9 possible impacts that children may go through in a parental divorce.

Marano, Hara. "Rescuing Marriages Before They Begin." New York Times. 28 May 1997, sec. C: 9.

Discusses methods to make a marriage satisfying for both the man and woman. Marriage, interpersonal communication, marriage counseling, and divorce are the subjects that are covered.

Raab, Robert A. Coping with Divorce. Rev. ed. New York: Rosen, 1984.

Raab lists ways of coping with divorce and its effects on children.

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Sudol, Peggy. "Divorce: Emotional and Social Aspects." Encyclopedia of Marriage and the Family. 1995 ed.

Sudol discusses the social and emotional aspects of divorce.

Trueman, D. "Protecting the Children of Divorce." USA Today. May 1989: 74.

Examines the emotional impact of divorce on children. Stresses importance of effective co-parenting.

Udry, Richard J. "Divorce." Encyclopedia Americana. 1996 ed.

Udry gives historical background on divorce and how it effects the United States and other countries. Shows divorce rates and discusses social aspects.

Wallerstein, Judith S. and Sandra Blakeslee. Second Chances: Men, Women & Children a Decade After Divorce. Ed. Robert Overholtzer. New York: Ticknor & Fields, 1989.

Wallerstein's and Blakeslee's write a book publishing their results of a ten year study of the effects of divorce on children.

Weiss, R. S. "Growing Up a Little Faster: The Experience of Growing Up in a Single Parent Household." Journal of Social Issues. 1979, 35: 97-111.

Weiss talks about the effects of single parenting on children.

Whitehead, Barbara. "The Divorce Trap." New York Times. 13 Jan. 1997, sec. A: 17.

Whitehead discusses the legislation of divorce and how it negatively effects mother, children and nation.