How Love and

Self-esteem

develop a healthy self esteem?"

"My parents imposed few rules and had high expectations. I always knew that if I came home with a new idea that it would be heard. My parents dared me to dream and always gave me positive affirmation."

" When I’m a parent, I’d like my wife to stay home instead of working."

" Every Sunday my Dad would have personal interviews to find out about how our lives were going. He would help us memorize poetry. I always knew that I was loved. I felt like I could talk to my Dad more than I could talk to my Mom. They helped us work on developing talents. Encouraged us to grow and develop. My Mom taught me how to read and write before I started school. That kind of helped me feel ahead."

" My Mom always told me that she loved me. We’d all eat dinner together. My mom was always at home when I was growing up. We had fun activities together."

" I would probably focus more on education with my children, helping them to succeed more in that area."

" I don’t know that I have a real high self-esteem. My dad always let me argue my way out of things. He never forced his opinion on me. I always knew my ideas were respected. My mom would tuck me in bed and read me stories. We had lessons to improve our talents."

" When I’m a mom, I don’t want to work. My mom was always so tired because she had to work. I want to be home when my kids get home so I can feed them and be there for them. I would make sure that money isn’t a big issue. I don’t think you should involve kids in that. I don’t want them to associate money with happiness. We would have family night every week. Prayer and scripture study daily. I want to make my kids lunch. Positive reinforcement is important. Teaching children to have a certain level of spirituality. Having dinner together every night."

and

" My dad used a lot of positive reinforcement. My mom wasn’t as good at this as my dad was. She was good up until about junior high. Whenever we needed to be disciplined, my dad would follow it with a hug. I always knew my dad loved me. We had a lot of praise."

"I didn’t do to well in a lot of areas. I know that it’s important to talk to the child. Instead of spanking, you should take something away. Teaching the difference between right and wrong. Physical affection, even though you’re angry with the child is so important. Just love them. Even though they make mistakes they need to know they’re loved. I involved my kids in lessons, helping them to develop their talents."

" When I was growing up my parents didn’t want us to be spoiled and so they didn’t give a lot of praise. They were worried that if they gave us too much affection or lessons or compliments then we would be spoiled. I think because of this I was never real close to my parents and I never really had a high self-esteem."

" I was determined as a parent to give my kids what I didn’t have. I gave my girls a lot of love and affection. I always told them how pretty they were. I look back now and wish I would have focused more attention on how kind or loving they were."

" Don’t you talk back to me, young man. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. You are the reason I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired."

" My dad would take us on Daddy Daughter dates. He was always planning activities for the family. I knew that he loved me. He would wrestle with me and tease me. My mom wasn’t as good at showing her love. She is a perfectionist and this carried into her parenting. I always felt like I was doing something wrong when I was with my mom. I still feel this way as an adult. This has affected the way I feel about my achievements. I am never quite satisfied with anything that I do."

" When I am a parent, I want to make it a point to give my children my time. I want them to know they can come to me whenever they need something or need to talk about something. I want my kids to learn how to work hard and to treat people with love and respect."

" David, this is the third time I’ve had to remind you to take off your shoes before you come inside. I’m starting to feel like a broken record. When you leave your muddy shoes on, it tracks all over the clean carpet and it reminds me of the feeling I get when I’m sitting in the old Scera movie theater. Sitting there trying to get comfortable but my feet won’t move because they’re stuck to the floor that has last year’s spilt Dr. Pepper and gummy bear goo and popcorn grease and someone’s ABC gum and the left over chocolate that came from the half eaten box of Junior Mints. Next time you track mud thru the living room I’ll let you clean it up and you won’t be able to play with Sam. I still love you like I love my morning workouts. In fact I love you a hundred times more than I love my morning workouts but you need to remember to take off your shoes before coming inside," David’s mom said.

" Mom, if you love me more than your morning workouts than you’ll let me sleep over at Jeremy’s house this weekend." David was a smart kid and he knew that this was a good time to pop the question.

"Are you trying to manipulate me?" his mom asked.

" Well, Mom, if you’re done talking to me about cleaning up the living room then I figure it’s a good time to ask you about this weekend," David replied.

" What are you going to do in order to go to Jeremy’s this weekend?" his mom wanted to know.

" I’m going to take off my shoes before coming inside and clean up after myself," David answered trying to be as respectful as possible.

David’s mom is a good mother because she always makes sure that she doesn’t make her kids feel bad about themselves when they make mistakes. She wants them to know that she values them as individuals, but that their behavior is what needs fixing. His mom isn’t spineless and will use disipline when needed. After disiplining though, she will not keep bringing up David’s mistake but will forget about it and move on. That is the difference between the parenting styles of the two mothers.

" My mother listened to me. She helped me feel like my ideas and intellect were important. She helped me feel intelligent and approved at home. My father did nothing to help me. My mother did all of it."

" When I was raising my children I spent all my free time with them. I built a pool behind the house, to make sure that my kids would stick around. We were always doing things together. I’d take them on outings, we’d go camping. We’d spend a lot of time just talking. I wanted to make sure there was open communication. I listened."

Words Synonymous with

Love and Self-esteem

Authoritarian. The parent’s word is law, not to be questioned, and misconduct brings strict punishment. Authoritarian parents seem aloof from their children, showing little affection or nurturance. Maturity demands are high, and parent-child communication is rather low.

Permissive. The parents make few demands on their children, hiding any impatience they feel. Discipline is lax. Parents are nurturant, accepting, and communicate well with offspring. They make few maturity demands because they view themselves as available to help their children but not as responsible for shaping how offspring turn out.

" Miss Maple, do we have any more yellow construction paper?" Anna asked.

" What’s ya makin’ over there, Anna Banana?" Jeffro wanted to know.

" You’ll see when it’s finished," Anna answered. She’d had a crush on Jeffro ever since she could remember. She loved it whenever he would call her Anna Banana.

" Are ya makin’ me something?" Jeffro asked. He loved to tease her and knew that Anna liked him. He would do anything he could to get a rise out of her.

" Nothing that you can’t get by asking your mom," Anna answered. Even though Anna had a crush on Jeffro she had learned how to react to him. Geoffry Millet was extremely spoiled by his parents. He got practically anything he wanted. He hardly ever had to work for anything.

" Hey Anna, guess where I’m going this weekend?" Jeffro asked.

" Let me guess -- the skateboard track?" Ana replied sarcastically. Anna would often see Jeffro and his big brother skating around town.

" No!" Jeffro laughed mockingly. " Me and Jess are going to Windover to play some poker."

" Oh, wow, aren’t you cool?" Anna replied unimpressed. Anna tried to be a friend to Jeffro even though he did things that she didn’t approve of. As young as Jeffro was he had already started to follow in the footsteps of his big brother Jessie.

" Miss Maple can you bring me some more red consruction paper?" Anna repeated.

 Authoritative. The parents in this category are similar in some ways to authoritarian parents, in that they set limits and enforce rules, but they are also willing to listen receptively to the child’s requests and questions. Family rule is more democratic than dictatorial. Parents make high maturity demands on offspring, communicate well with them, and are nurturant.

" Honey, would you please set the table while I go help Jonathan finish up his English?" asked Anna’s mom.

" Sure, Mom. Hey Mom, can I go to the carnival this weekend with Isaac and Susan?"asked Anna.

" Yes, honey if you finish all your homework and your room is left clean every day this week," replied her mother.

" Sure, Mom," said Anna.

The Jarvises are eating dinner and having a pleasant conversation.

" Pass the peas," said Jonathan

" What do you say?" asked his mother.

" PLEEEEASE," said Jonathon.

" Dad, how come I ALWAYS have to keep my room so clean and have ALL my homework done before I can do anything fun?" inquired Anna " Jeffro never has to do his homework and every time I go to his house to play his room is so messy."

" Well, honey I’m sorry to hear that your friends don’t have to clean their rooms. When you grow up and move out you’ll have developed habits that you’ll be grateful for. Your mother and I love you very much and want you to be happy now and when you grow up," replied her father.

" Sweetie, Geoffry’s parents aren’t doing him a favor by letting him keep his room messy and letting him get by not doing his homework. I knew kids like him when I was growing up and a lot of them tried drugs and alcohol because they didn’t think their parents cared what they

did. A lot of my friends didn’t have a lot of support from their parents. They didn’t feel loved or a need to be responsible. They didn’t feel like their parents accepted them and so they looked for acceptance through drugs and alcohol," explained Anna’s mother.

" Well, a lot of the kids at school talk about how their older brothers and sisters are always getting caught for coming home smelling like smoke. Yesterday Jeffro told me that his mom told his brother if he came home again smelling like some "B" word --"

" Booze?" asked Anna’s dad.

" Yah, that’s it, booze. Well anyway he said that she told his brother that this was his last chance."

" What are booze?" asked Jonathan as he spilled his milk all over the table..

" Booze is a name for alcohol," answered his dad. "Here, let’s clean up that milk."

" I feel sorry for Jeffro," said Anna " Today he told me that he’s going to Windover this weekend with his brother to gamble. I’m sure that he’ll be doing a lot more than that there too."

" Sweetie, Jeffro’s parents aren’t around a lot," replied her mother. Her parents didn’t want to discuss the judgements they’d made about Jeffro’s parents in front of the kids.. They were aware of the lack of control that the Millets had on their children. "It’s hard too see your friends getting in trouble though, isn’t it?" Anna’s mom replied.

" Yah, it is. I’ve tried to include him in things. I even asked him if he wanted to come to the carnival this weekend with me and Isaac and Susan. I don’t think he likes those guys much, though. He’s always teasing Isaac . . . and Susan complains about how rude he is to her," Anna said. " I don’t know what more I can do."

" Jeffro is lucky to have you as his friend," Anna’s dad commented.

" Yah, and your food is getting cold. Finish up your dinner so that you can get started on your homework. You still have a few days before the carnival," Anna’s mom said.

" O.K. Mom," said Anna.

Diana Baumrind did a study on 100 middle-class preschool children and the affects of all three types of parenting. She makes this statement: " Authoritative parents are remarkably successful in protecting their adolescents from drug use and in generating competence."

" There are so many things that my parents did. They did everything to help us develop our talents. We were encouraged to excel and work hard. There was never a question in my mind that we were absolutely #1. My parents lived for us. My dad would take us on Daddy Daughter dates. I never remember my dad getting angry. My parents were good listeners. They encouraged open and honest conversation. Our family spent a lot of time together. My parents were very generous with compliments and affection. They were just and fair. I think most importantly. My parents had a great relationship."

" There is not much I can think of that I would do differently. Maybe listening more instead of talking so much. Being more affectionate."

There are a lot of factors that contribute to the development of a healthy self-esteem. When a child has parents with good parenting skills then he is more likely to develop a healthy self-esteem. The way parents were raised, their current economic status, their goals for parenting, their views on children, as well as the way they feel about themselves, all contribute to a certain parenting style. A child is more likely to develop a healthy self-esteem if his parents are happy, healthy people themselves. If the parents have goals to use effective parenting styles and raise their child to be a contributing citizen, then the child is more likely to feel good about himself. Kids that feel good about themselves are more likely to avoid the use of drugs and alcohol.